Saturday, November 19, 2011

at the core of it all



When I was a little girl, my Greek grandfather, who made the best vegetable stew in the world, would bounce me up and down on his knee while singing rhymes in Greek. October 20th of this year marked the tenth anniversary of his death, and my family went to his grave site that day to sit in the grass and remember him. Something he always said, to his sons, his daughter-in-laws, and his grandchildren, is to simply "love and forgive." Lately, I've been reflecting on those words that he left behind. He was a person who truly lived by that phrase, lived a life that reflected his beliefs. His heart was kind and pure, his spirit was generous and sweet. 

Sometimes I fear I have been so bad at loving that I cannot be forgiven, but I have learned that if you're loving correctly and being loved correctly, you probably won't need to be forgiven, or won't have anything to forgive. If there is a weight in your chest, if you're harboring resentment, you need to love, forgive, move forward. If you feel the need for atonement, ask for forgiveness, love, move forward. I made a lot of mistakes this year. I allowed myself to be anxiety-ridden and depressed. I was self-centered and foolish. Even in sincerity, I found myself doing the wrong thing over and over again. I thought I'd let so many people down. But I've seen evidence of love in my own life, and as the realities that I blindly looked past for so long become clearer, I am determined to continue to love, continue to forgive, to continue to allow myself to be forgiven.

In June, just before my life went crazy, I wrote probably the best thing I've ever written, words that would have helped me through everything, if I would have only read them. I needed to be still. I needed to transcend my own painful existence. It took me a long time to cease dwelling in the past. I wasted so many days by failing to appreciate what was in front of me, but I have realized that I am still so young, still have so much more to learn than I even thought I did, that we are all humans and we are all trying and we all need encouragement. I am still learning to love, learning to appreciate the beauty in truth and simplicity, learning to be patient. The pain is still raw, but, hackneyed as it is, it's true that life is a never-ending process. Stating something today does not make it so tomorrow, but every day is a fresh start, a chance to do what's right, a chance to continue yesterday's progress. A chance to stand firm in our convictions. A chance to be still, shake the dust, and let it settle.


illustrations c/o peacay

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