the sun through the storm

It's been an interesting week, a strange year, and I feel like taking a second to document it this way, publicly, despite the fact that I could use a journal, because something I have been thinking about a lot lately is being more open and learning to connect with people. I don't think that being online and engaging in constant interaction via our various technological gadgets comes anywhere near the sort of true human connection that we need for maintaining a healthy sense of well-being, but I do think they can help when used correctly. While it is depressing to sit around looking at other people's lives and not actually living, upon deciding to leave the house and make an effort to talk to and connect with people, good things do begin to happen, and I think that being on the internet and having that sort of reassurance that comes from online interaction, whether it be with strangers, close friends, or acquaintances, can aid in that process, or has at least helped me a lot at this point in time. 

I have been feeling lonely and self-centered lately, there's no denying that, but I also made a long-winded post about it and, while my feelings are still mixed about whether it was a good idea to share the details of my most intimate thought processes with a very high number of internet strangers, it helped me realize a few things; it is important to be open and honest and talk through feelings, it is alright to not have all the answers, and it is alright to worry about what people think of you, write about it, and then put that writing up somewhere as a way of getting beyond that worry, because in the end, the people who think well of you will always think well of you, the people who don't care won't care, the people who don't like you still won't like you. And that is all okay. Realizing all of that made today go a lot smoother. I had a group presentation, which I was really nervous about, but I somehow wasn't nervous on the drive there and during the moments leading up to it, I didn't let my voice quiver or tears begin to flow while speaking. I tried to engage myself with the audience, think about the fact that people are just people, and an interesting discussion ensued between my group, our classmates, and our professor.
After being so successful, I told one of my supervisors in the writing center and she was really proud of me. "You?!" she said. "YOU gave a presentation and didn't get nervous? That's fantastic!" I asked her about going to observe a religious ritual with me for my anthropology class and so we are going to do that either this weekend or the one after next. I am getting involved in other things I never would have before as well, like going to see The Hunger Games with my favorite English professor and her family, along with a few of the other girls who were in my adolescent lit class, which just sort of came up as a last minute plan. I had a long conversation today with someone who was in the ten-day class I took over summer and asked him questions about his life prior to college, because he's twenty-eight years old, and I always wondered how he got to be where he is now. He has a refreshing point of view about school, truly appreciates his teachers and enjoys his classes, maybe because he has a bit more life experience to back it up. Even a month ago, I would have never actually sat down and asked questions and made conversation after something so simple as making eye contact on my way to clock out. I am excited to be branching out and trying to get to know people better, especially in light of the fact that I will be going to university soon and have a whole new crop of interesting personalities to begin to understand and enjoy, even if I will very much miss all the wonderful people I am just starting to truly get to know here.
One of the beautiful things about humans is you meet each other once or twice, maybe go separate ways, but the connection is always there, and perhaps you meet again somewhere down the road, and there is even more to ask about and understand. And if not, there will always be fond memories.
While walking today in the beautiful sunlight, with a wonderful breeze kissing my arms and face and hair and moving my dress around my legs, I thought about all the beautiful days I'll miss in this little town when I'm elsewhere, and also all the beautiful days I have missed and will miss elsewhere. It's kind of mind-blowing to consider that there are beautiful days happening all over the world, and most of us are privy to only the minutest percent of those beautiful days, and it makes me wonder why I spend so many of those beautiful days holed up in my own little world, not going out, not getting to know people, not getting to know my environment, not doing the best possible work I can or creating anything, when my time to do so is so limited. So I suppose this blog post is a celebration of sorts, and also hopefully a glimpse into the sort of documentations I intend to continue in this little corner, one in which thoughts will flow and be shared without embarrassment or forethought (just as I suppose it always has been). A celebration and contemplation of the little old life that I am so privileged to be living.