note #2

Tonight, I came home, walked directly into my bedroom, and sobbed into my hands for four minutes, feeling myself tremble in silence. I had every intent to be in bed two hours ago but instead I am awake, drifting through the notion of school, the idea of paying for school. It's all rattling around in my brain and I don't know what to do with any of it except let it all come out by way of tears. I wonder if I am setting myself up for failure, I wonder for how long I will feel not-good-enough, not-smart-enough, not-pretty-enough. There is some inside part of me gaping to get out, and all the while, it cannot, it cannot, it cannot. I graze the surface of feeling well. I smile and know it will work out. In the mean time I feel suffocated and unimportant, I know I am small and unimportant, I don't know when I will feel well again, I don't know if I ever will.