little bits of beauty

 to get through these trying finals
i am writing and reading and writing and writing and drinking tea on top of tea on top of tea
coughing up a lung
failing to record by other means for too too long, so here:
talked to my momma for an hour and twenty minutes today, which was happy-making and calmness-inducing
took a nice hot shower and spent time just being
got a phone call during which sufjan's voice, not quite clear of the words, began coming through my phone speaker and into my heart along with the laughter of the masses, so it must have been funny
one of my greatest friends here got the kiss she's been waiting for and while she is now indifferent after obsessing for a week, it was a sweet story to hear on a night like tonight
received two refills of fizzy water from the boy with the grin and the eyes and that nasally voice
but learning to be content with lacking, i suppose

there is more to it than this, i suppose

Things like I more or less revived this blog a little bit over a year ago because I was at one of the lowest points in my life and needed a diversion. Things like I am in a completely new and different place now, and it's hard to believe all of it was a year ago (more!), the time when I was maybe the saddest I have ever been. Things like not really believing in February and May and August. Things like not knowing how to detach myself from my body from my mind, my mindlessness in my body, my body's wants and wants and needs and never ever having. Things like getting drunk and calling four other people so as not to say his name, because if I say his name, people will know, people will know that there are feelings in the way I walk in every Tuesday night and ask for fizzy water and stay until closing so we can walk home together. Things like everyone knowing anyway, confirmed by chance encounters on the bus and questions to which the only response is blushing and nervously, sheepishly, shyly nodding, yes, it's true, I do, I do, but we are capital-eff Friends. Things like chopping pumpkins for roasting while giggling over the fact that you do like him, you do! But I will not analyze any of it, I won't. Things like curried lentils and greens from the garden and candy cane tea and so much of it, so full, so satisfied. Things like walking home at 2am, through mist, inebriated, wandering down the hills alone in the brightest dark I have ever known. Things like warm wool socks and dripping cold outside and warm heavy blankets covering warm heavy brains. My diversions have changed, my diversions are many, my diversions are this beautiful life, I suppose. Gratefulness. Yes. Gratefulness and sleepiness, the number one most felt, and who needs a diversion from that when there's coffee?